I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
