Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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