just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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