She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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