The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
