I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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