I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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