the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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