Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
