Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
