my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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