we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
