Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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