When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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