Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
