I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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