you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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