we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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