There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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