feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
