I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
