In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
