mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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