16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Sober January is a disaster.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
