I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?