the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
