I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
