It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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