He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
