I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
