You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
