Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
