I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
