I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
