either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
