Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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