The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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