You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
