Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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