i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
