Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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