Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Randomize
