Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....