I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
