Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
