Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
