He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
