My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me