I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
