On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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