The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
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I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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