I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
