I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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