she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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