I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
