he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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